


Isn't That Wizard

by Herminbean



Series: Doctor Doctor [7]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor, Multiple Doctors (Doctor Who), Short One Shot, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 09:38:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17363585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herminbean/pseuds/Herminbean
Summary: The Doctor is trapped and facing off against a robot of pure logic. Fortunately, he has a few tricks up his sleeve





	Isn't That Wizard

“ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

The Doctor rolled his eyes and leaned casually on his umbrella. As far as conversations went, this had to be one of the most tedious he had ever had. Even the Cybermen tended to give him something to work with. This machine was simply dull. And as far as mobility went, it wasn’t exactly a threat. It was built into the floor and ceiling. All it seemed capable of doing was spinning. At first glance, there didn’t seem to be any threat at all. However, here they were, trapped in a room with it, and its non-stop, monotone demands. 

“Life extinguish? I have to say, my metal friend, don’t think that will catch on as a threat. EXTERMINATE. Now there’s something memorable.”

“Professor, don’t irritate it.” Ace said in a panicked voice, her eyes darting from the Doctor to the robot.

The Doctor tutted and pointed his umbrella at the machine. “Irritation is hardly likely with the software inside you, is it?”

The robot fizzed and whirred for a second. “ _Input system four six four. Search: irritation. Option: not found. Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life…_ ”

“…extinguish, yes yes. You should put that on a t-shirt. They’d sell like hot cakes.” The Doctor walked around the confines of his cell, stroking the smooth walls. “Not a bad cell, is it, Ace?”

Ace walked slowly behind the Doctor, keeping her eye on the robot in the centre of the room. “Yeah, if you ignore the bodies in the corner.”

“It’s spherical, Ace. There are no corners.” The Doctor stepped over a body and gave it a poke with his umbrella. “Although, good point well made. You really should have a clean-up crew.”

The red dot that the Doctor assumed was the robots’ eye circled around as he walked. “ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

“Aah yes, the key card.” The Doctor leant on his umbrella again and checked his nails. “The key to taking your terror global. You want it?”

“ _Input system one three. Answer: affirmative._ ”

The Doctor smirked. He patted down his coat. “You know, I’m not entirely sure I know where I’ve put it. Always misplacing things.” 

He tucked his umbrella behind his back and pushed it up. The umbrella snagged his hat, lifting up off his head. He patted his head and looked around the room in mock confusion. He shrugged, gave his umbrella a flick, sending his hat skyward and then caught it, giving a small bow as he rolled it back onto his head.

The robots red eye flickered for a second. It darted down to the Doctors umbrella, up to his hat, then landed back on him. “ _Input system four four four. Problem: key card not present. Solution: life extinguish._ ”

The room began to hum. Ace looked around in panic. They had seen what this cell was capable off. One simple flash, and the once living bodies that now lay around the room simply stopped. She darted over to the Doctor, clutching his arm.

“Professor.” She insisted.

The Doctor flicked out his spare hand, and in a flash a key card was twirling around his fingers. “Silly silly me. Is this what you meant?”

The red eye flickered onto the key card. The robot whirred and fizzed as it scanned the key card. “ _Input system three. Scan reveal: key card present.” The humming around the room faded. “Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

The Doctor flicked the key card in the air and caught it again. “You want me to deliver this? To where?”

With a click, a small opening opened on the side of the robot. “ _Input system two six zero. Confirmation: insert key card._ ”

The Doctor tapped at his legs. “Actually, you know what? My legs are really aching. You come here and take it.” He held the key card out in the palm of his hand.

Another whizz and fizz later, and the robot had processed the Doctors little dig. “ _Input system two seven five. Problem: key card out of reach._ ”

The Doctor sighed deeply and looked over to Ace. “It’s like pulling teeth, isn’t it?” He turned back to the still fizzing machine. “We still need a name for you. Joke killer seems appropriate.”

“ _Input system two six zero. Confirmation: insert key card._ ”

The Doctor leant on his umbrella. “Or?”

“ _Punishment for non-compliance…_ ”

The room began to hum again. Ace took a step back, her face full of worry. The Doctor, however, didn’t. He simply smiled.

“And after you’ve completed your punishment, how do you get the key?” 

The red eye flickered as the robot mulled over the problem. The room died down, the humming fading to nothing. The Doctor twirled the key card around and continued his stroll around the room.

“See, that’s the problem with being stationary. Movement is so underrated. Especially forward momentum. That’s something you seem to lack, joke killer.”

“ _Input system three three nine. Information: escape is impossible._ ”

The Doctor tapped at the smooth walls with his umbrella. “Well, you’ve got a point there. Not much chance of getting through these.”

“And he won’t kill us until we give him the card?” Ace piped up. “So, we’re in a stale mate?”

“Pretty much, and probably best to not gender the inanimate killer software.”

Ace banged at the walls. “What’s the plan then? Hack him?”

“Hacking isn’t a good idea. Right joke killer?”

“ _Input system two. Confirmation: hacking will result in life extinguish._ ”

“Right, so hacking is out.” Ace hit the wall in frustration. “So, what’s the plan?”

The Doctor kicked his umbrella, swung it round and rested it on his shoulder. “We wait.”

Ace gave him a funny look. “Wait? What, until we starve?”

“No no, we wait until…” 

The Doctor pulled out a pocket watch and counted down. He pointed behind the robot with his umbrella. For a few seconds, nothing happened. The Doctor glanced down at his watch with a frown, gave it a tap, then pointed his umbrella again. Suddenly, a familiar moaning filled the room. The red eye spun around trying to locate the source, and Ace gawped as the TARDIS materialized in the room with them. With a final clunk, the TARDIS settled. The door swung open, and a woman’s head popped out. She stepped out, looked the TARDIS up and down and tutted.

“What’s with you, girl?” She asked, stroking the TARDIS doors. “Why did you bring us…?”

She turned around and noticed Ace. Her eyes widened and her mouth flapped. She pointed at her, smiled broadly, and ran over, giving Ace a big hug.

“AAACE.” She called out. “Wow, I haven’t seen you since…” She spun around and spotted the Doctor. Her smile faded and she let Ace go. “You.”

The Doctor gave a small smile and pointed his umbrella at the lady. “You.”

The lady sighed and threw her hands up in frustration. “I should have known. This is so typical you.”

Ace ran over to the Doctor. “Professor, who is this?”

The lady smiled broadly again. “Professor. Oh man, forgot how much I missed that.”

“Ace, my I introduce you to me.” The Doctor tipped his hat to the new Doctor as she gave a small wave to Ace.

Ace looked from the Doctor to his future regeneration. “You? What…?”

“Trust me…” A voice echoed from the TARDIS. “…best to just go with it.”

The owner of the voice emerged from the TARDIS along with two other people. The Doctor eyed them up. “Ah, can I assume these are your companions?”

“Yes yes.” The new Doctor ran up to her companions excitedly. “This here is Graham, and Ryan. And of course, Yaz.” She patted each one as she introduced them. She ran up to Ace and tapped her on the shoulder. “Guys, this is Ace.”

Ryan looked around the room. “I wouldn’t say it was ace. After the last few times, this is pretty boring actually.”

The Doctor tutted. “Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he?”

The new Doctor shot him a look. “No no, Ryan. This lovely girl here is called Ace.”

Ace gave a befuddled wave to the three companions. Before she had a chance to say a word, a slam made them all jump. They turned to see the TARDIS doors had slammed shut. Graham ran up and pushed at the doors. They didn’t budge.

“The doors. They’re…”

“ _Input system nine nine nine. Problem: unknown object in vicinity. Solution: total lock down._ ”

The new Doctor eyed up the clunky machinery. “Total lock down? My TARDIS? I highly doubt that.” She ran up to the doors, slipped her key inside and pushed hard. The doors remained shut. She whipped out her sonic, gave it a scan and checked the readings. “Yeah, we’re locked out.”

“How on earth did this thing do that?” Yaz asked.

“This thing was technically created by unit.” The Doctor said.

“Aah, so fully aware of the existence of the TARDIS.” The new Doctor threw her hands up in frustration. “I told them once I told them a hundred times. Don’t keep track of me.”

“ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

The new Doctor scrunched her face up. “Wow. Can imagine that would get old fast.”

The Doctor strolled up to his future self. “You have no idea.”

The new Doctor frowned at her past self. “So, what’s the deal with this guy?”

“ _Input system one. Problem: humanity. Solution: purge._ ”

“Humanity is not a problem.” Ace burst out angrily. “Right Professor?”

The Doctor looked up thoughtfully. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”

Ace looked at him, horrified. “What?”

“Well, it’s hard to deny that humanity has been the main cause of lots problems throughout time.” The new Doctor piped up.

“Doctor?” Yaz snapped.

“If you look throughout human history, they have committed some of the worst crimes imaginable.” The Doctor continued.

“Slavery.” The new Doctor said.

“Genocide.” The Doctor added.

“Elevator music.”

“Reality TV.”

“Traffic lights.”

“ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ "

The two Doctors seemed to snap back to reality. They turned on the clunky machinery.

“There is one thing that humans do that is amazing that I don’t think you can wrap your robotic head around.” The Doctor said.

“That’s right. And that’s…” The new Doctor put her arm on the Doctors shoulder. She looked at him surprised, then beamed a smile. “Ooh, I like this. Not often I have the chance to be the leaner, not the leanee.”

“ _Input system six. Request: information._ ”

“Oh, right right.” The new Doctor dashed to the other side of the room. “That thing is…” With a flourish of her hands, the key card appeared between her fingers. “…magic.”

The red eye locked onto the key card. “ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

“Ah-ha, I knew you’d say that. But did you know that me and my gnome like friend here, we’re…” The new Doctor flicked the key card and, in a flash,, it disappeared. The red eye darted around the new Doctors hand, searching for the card.

“…wizards.” The red eye spun around to the Doctor. He was now holding the key card in his hand, smugly.

“ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

“But I don’t have it.” The Doctor flicked the card, and once again, it vanished.

“I think that…” The red eye darted to the new Doctor, who was walking over to Ace. She reached behind her ear and seemed to pull the card out from it. “…Ace, what are you doing with this?”

“ _Input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

The new Doctor tutted. “I’m sorry. Here, by all means.” She walked forwards towards the slot, card in hand. As she approached, she gave her hand another little flick, and the card was gone again. “Oh man, my bad.”

The eye didn’t wait this time. It spun around and landed on the Doctor. He was standing casually. “Me? I don’t have…” He lifted his umbrella suddenly. The card was stuck onto the end of it. The Doctor let out a little laugh. “Well, would you look at that?”

“ _Input…input system two five nine. Demand: deliver key card key card. Punishment for non-compliance: life extinguish._ ”

The Doctor gently plucked the key card from the umbrella and held it up. “Oh, do you mean this key card?”

The new Doctor appeared beside her younger self. She held up another key card. “Or, do you mean _THIS_ key card?”

The red eye darted from one card to the other. The two Doctors held up the cards and waved their free hand. “Ta daaa.”

“ _Input system error error error. Syssstem: not…system not possible. Enter error. Dash dash dash dash. Input input one one one error error…_ ” 

“What’s the matter, joke killer? Can’t figure out how we did it?” The Doctor waggled his key card.

“ _Error error error error. System point one. Explain. Input needed._ ”

“Ah, I’m sorry.” The new Doctor waggled her key card. “A magician never reveals his trick.”

“Weren’t we wizards?”

“Either way, we’re magic.”

The clunky machinery fizzed and sparked and the room fell silent. For a moment, no one moved. The Doctor walked forward and poked the robot with his umbrella. It didn’t respond. 

“Dead.” He said, clicking the slot closed with his umbrella.

The new Doctor scanned it with her sonic and checked the readouts. “Yep, totally dead. Huh, how anticlimactic. Where was the boom?”

“Doesn’t quite feel the same without it, does it?” The Doctor turned to the four companions. “Right, any questions?”

Graham raised his hand. “Erm, how…?”

“Good question, Graham.” The new Doctor dashed up to them. “You want to know how we got two of the same card?”

“The thought did enter my mind.” Ace piped up.

“Well, let’s just say…” The Doctor slipped the key card into his jacket pocket and tapped it. “…I’ll be keeping hold of this one for a long time.”

The new Doctors three companions seemed to click right away. Ace, on the other hand, seemed lost. “What does that mean?” She asked, frustrated.

“Well, these two, they’re the same person.” Ryan explained. “So if he keeps hold of the card, when he becomes her, they’ll each have one.”

The Doctor looked Ryan up and down. “Well, not as dull as I first thought. You’re quick.”

“Well, this has happened a lot recently.” Ryan admitted.

The Doctor frowned. He looked over to the new Doctor. She had the same concerned look on her face. “How much?” He asked.

She scrunched up her face. “I don’t know.”

“Enough to be concerned?”

She didn’t respond. Graham did. “Concerned about what?”

The new Doctor smiled broadly. “Doesn’t matter. Hey, try the doors. Should be open now.”

Graham gave her a frown, but pushed on the TARDIS doors like she asked. They swung open with a loud creak. 

“Ta daaa.” The new Doctor said, waving her hands. “Right, everyone in.”

She bustled over to her companions and ushered them inside. As she reached the doors herself, she turned back, making eye contact with her past self. He gave her a steely look. She returned it for a second, but soon a broad smile burst forth. She gave a large bow. The Doctor smirked and raised his hat to her. She walked inside and slammed the doors shut. It was rare for the Doctor to watch his own TARDIS disappear, so he always liked to watch it go, even though he knew he wouldn’t remember.

“Professor?”

The Doctor turned to see Ace standing, a look of confusion on her face.

“What on earth just happened?”

“No sense explaining, Ace.” The Doctor strolled over to her. “We’re not going to remember anyway.”

“What? What do you mean?”

The Doctor gave her a smile. “Never mind. Let’s just focus on getting out of here. Have to set the TARDIS to come back here at some point in the future. No idea how long, so I'll just put it on random. Must be some way to get these doors open.” He walked up the doors, threw his arms apart and boomed. “Mellon?”


End file.
